Hail Mary

January 2, 2013

managing to articulate my anxieties quiets my heart, i fear sometimes more than prayer does. it’s hard to come before God as a mumbling, bubbling idiot – not knowing what to ask for, sure only of a need of some kind. there is an openness to being on your knees; an irony in that such a specific position of body presents such a wide variety of being. being silent. being articulate. being reverent. being penitential. being joyful. being needy. being full.

i kneel today in a state of need and anxiety, about which… i don’t really know. these days come upon me every so often, maybe slightly more so since i’ve been a mom. there is so much that i don’t know about this task, so much i seem to lack. we’re coming off several days of illness – first mine, now hers – and i’m so embarrassed to say how very crazy her illness makes me. i’m so scared of mis-stepping, so worried about serving her well, taking good care of her, being a good steward of this most precious gift of mine.

through some gross oversight, i’ve been booked to work a postpartum doula overnight shift tonight and then a daytime shift starting at 9am tomorrow. i think the shakiness of my condition today can best be summed up by the fact that i have been so anxious over the state of my own family the past few days that it is hard to think about trying to bring peace and confidence to the home of any other family. especially for such a great excess of hours.

at least that is what emerges from time on my knees today, begun in a blubbering state. at mass on new year’s eve, the sweet priest reminded us again and again to ask Mary for anything, whenever we are in need. She is probably the best one to ask in cases like this – how to care for others when you feel spent yourself (She kind of wrote the book on that one, right?).

embarrassed as i am about being so overwhelmed by such underwhelming circumstances, especially as my life is so chock-full of blessing, i ask humbly for strength where i lack, peace where there is unrest in my soul, confidence where all is shaky.

 

this is not the best way to return to blogging after so many, many months in abstentia, but i suppose it is the most honest. i’ve had a baby, changed my job, been enjoying what i truly believe to be the sweetest days of my life. i am, really, very happy. i am, also, still the melancholic soul i’ve always been. i won’t pretend like i’m making a resolution about writing more but i will say that i will try to emphasize more of the former, cheerier aspects of my life in weeks to come.

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