February 25, 2012

deciding to blog for the first time in months seems like the last thing i should be doing right now, when i’ve promised myself to make soup within the hour before the flurry of weekend activity begins.

but here i am.

sitting at my kitchen table after cleaning half of the apartment, drinking coffee, listening to a record we bought this time last year, and feeling immensely grateful for…life. all of it, i guess.

my belly is swollen with child now. last week i stepped into the third trimester, something so crazy i can barely grasp it all myself. i’m feeling good and natural about this baby-wearing. awkward as the beginning of this journey was for me, this little critter has seemed perfectly at home in my middle from day one. sometimes i even forget i’m pregnant.

i’ve been trying to write to the critter, well aware that this is something i’ll likely never have time to do for any of my other children. the other day i was trying to articulate exactly how strange and beautiful and simple this body-sharing is. though so complex in its biological choreography, this arrangement seems to work pretty well. the critter is all wrapped up in hormonal hospitality and i can feel it shift and settle according to it’s infantile dictates of comfort, much like i’m doing. there are fleeting moments when i think i could be happy staying pregnant forever and more looming moments in which i’m very ready to face who it is that has been dwelling in me. i’m sure the latter sentiment will grow in the quick proportion of my womb as i know the most uncomfortable aspects of this living situation still lay ahead.

at any rate, i’m feeling happy and full; momentarily casting aside whatever residual anxieties i’ve been carrying about what is going to happen next, how this baby will announce it’s birth, what is going to happen with my job and our life as we know it.

and i fully expect to be sitting where i’m sitting now a few months down the road. likely with pressing obligations that i’m casting off, a half-cleaned apartment, a new record playing. but with a critter sitting on my lap instead of in my womb, having transitioned from this state of body-sharing to a fuller state of life-sharing.