let’s try again

August 18, 2011

so who knows if anyone is still out there, but i’m finally sitting down to write.

as one can imagine, i’ve been a little busy. i feel like i’m always saying i’m busy. but the busy as of late has been of a different sort. activity wise things have been a little more quiet. we’ve been – gasp – spending time at home and not making as many frantic plans as usual. it’s been a nice reprieve for us and sweet to spend time together doing nothing, which is something i’m quite bad at. one of our earliest fights when we were dating was over my inability to just “be”. while i’ll still contend that one cannot just “be”, i am, at least, now becoming better at not always “doing”. i’m minimizing the active verbs in my life and trying to chill out.

so the busy we have been (or i guess i should limit it to “i”) has been of a more internal sort. i’ve had my mind wrapped up in this job of mine (of course), my thoughts congregating on these participants i’ve come to care for like children and my anxieties fixated on queer questions about why the uncaused Cause lets this world of ours float on as is. i’ve been battling fits of depression, if we are to be honest.

thus far, births have been happening in clumps. it sometimes feels like the pregnant women i’m working with are all participants in some cosmic birth energy which keeps flipping on and off. things will be silent for weeks and then all of a sudden, 3 of ’em (with various due dates) will all be going into prelabor. twice i’ve been at 2 births in rapid succession – late in june one went into labor 45 minutes after i got home from one birth and just this week 2 were in labor at once, causing me to bounce from one hospital to another for 2 days until the show finally ended. i’ve been learning to temper my expectations about birth, bodies, hospitals, procedures. and along with this, i’ve been tucking away my perennial anxiety as i embrace the unpredictability of life.

all this has been a lot for my crippled little mind (not to mention body) to handle. but, barring a few breakdowns along the way, i’ve been embracing the beautiful moments embedded in the messes and trying to be hopeful.

hope, hope, hope.

that’s all we’ve really got.